I dont change easily, to say the least, but, I always enjoy what you teach. Ann, was he ever there for you? So, I think who am I hurting? Also as far as a male role model he has blamed all the men at our church for our problems and we are now going to a different church whice actually has much older and stronger marriages, but will this work with someone he doesnt know very well to hold him accountable? Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? I have become physically ill from this(lungs). I am so glad to know about it! (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) She did not present any evidence but seems to have scared the wits out of my male bosses as she implied shed make a sexual harassment claim against them if they did nt follow suit. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. Forever taking and never giving. I did however make the decision to stay firm and say no to him. That is why I am ending the relationship. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. My husband of 14 yrs(2nd for both of us) is not only a narciccist, but also had an affair for two years. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. In my marriage, I only said something when I was pushed to the wall and was accused of being the one at fault because he was perfectly happy in the marriage. I kept thinking I was going crazy. As difficult as this seems, by defining your own boundaries you will also give yourself space to recover and recharge as these changes can in fact help both partners. It was pure agony yet the best thing that has happened in many ways. 6 Walk away while they're talking. In general, however, it is important to be clear and firm in setting boundaries with a . 11) Since my son was going to eventually get my old car and your car was part of the bankruptcy and they were going to take it, I suggested that I buy a new car 10 month earlier than I needed too. Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. Now that part I dont understand. I worked with a woman who had NPD. You know that he will blow up and make a scene about this so be prepared. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. Staying calm and in control of my emotions. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. I wish you both good luck . All I can say is wow. Perhaps it is my personality, or my relationship with God, but I still believe everyone deserves love, and can finally see this man as woundedI do love him still with all my heart, and want to help without losing my soul in the process. Required fields are marked *. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. A prime example is being at a social event with your narcissistic partner; a guest casually mentions a personal achievement. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. He is like a King on a throne with many wives. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. Maintain Boundaries. Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. Is there anything more I can do bridge the gap? Any hope of that happening? Right this second I am so angry more angry probobly than ever in my life at him over what appears to be infidelity and porn and him always blaming others for what he does wrong.. How much can a person swallow and stroke anothers ego before it is just too much! Hi Kim, thanks for the response. The letter should be very matter of fact and unemotional and only stress your concern about him. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed. THIS is Why Narcissists Refuse to be Accountable - Kim Saeed You cannot control his family if he is assualting you you need help from the police and Back From the Looking Glass will help you with that step by step. Any suggestion would be great He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. They have been so helpful! My husband never said he was sorry, no remorse, hasnt held a steady job 12 of 14 years. It should be stressed however that this . Where are you now? I have the same exact issue with my husband constantly slamming his opinions in my face, telling me how things should be done, basically voicing what he wants and how he wants, yet as soon as I voice my thoughts, if inconsistent with his, he immediately shuts me up however he can, speaking over me, etc. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. The only thing you can do, as I have see everyone noting, is that you just manipulate your surroundings to your sanity and survival. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. N decided that he did not need to keep this promise despite it being made a few years ago to protect all of us from hurting each other, should one of us move on, because we are very much a family. Most people get closer together in bad times but I just know if we had a Tragic situation it would be an argument. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. I am serious..and I would love to hear your take. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. My husband definitely changed how he responded to my new way of communicating and living. My advice would be to continue to work on YOU. Its time to Grow Up! I have just left a 10yr relationship with a Narcissist and I feel physically and mentally exhausted. The reason i fall for these men? He just gets louder. Problem is, long story short, he cannot apologise for any of the above and keeps pulling out old lines when I ask for support.along the lines of you wanted to have a baby, you deal with it. But it was when I got the cancer that my husband completely changed. Sometimes were in love with the image of the person that we admire. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? I have been debating for the past 2 years on whether or not I will stay. Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. The truth is, narcissists lack accountability because they get away with it. And also there might be a difference in willingness to open up. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. I know he loves me , but somehow, he loves his pleasure and freedom more. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. I will be cancer free for five years in September! I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. You may find help there. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. You were lucky. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . You can't hold narcissists accountable; you just invite embittered counterattack. I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. He even told the marriage counselor he couldnt promise (an affair) wouldnt happen again! If I apply your suggestions I am going to like myself and him better. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. Over, done. Even my grown sons do not understand what I nightmare I went through twice. All I can add at this point in the blog is that I encourage everyone to get Kim & Steves ebooks and other materials. Over the christmas break, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I spent 3 fabulous days with his daughter and him only to find on the last day being rushed out of the house so that he could watch a rugby match with his best mate with no idea when Ill see him again. I am weaning myself at the moment out of a relationship with a very toxic individual who was the final nail in my rocky marriage. I do love this man. And to start a business that my name is on, 51% mine and that it will buy his business. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. How to Stay with a Narcissist - Psych Central Nobody owes you self-denial of gratification, that is simply your own fascist narcissism at work and is an outgrowth of your insecurity. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. Lack of Accountability in Narcissists | Psychology Today The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. He has no remorse for anything he does or says; he has declared many many times that he is never sorry because he is never wrong he says what he feels and does whatever he wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings, ever. You did nothing to help in the process and blamed me because the house had to be in my name, since your credit was bad. But I wasnt trusting his intentions. I will say, I was probably nearly every DSM diagnosis when he leftgetting better, have days of no tears and even feeling happy some days! Narcissists: The Master Manipulators Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! He never did anything for me nothing. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! There is ni ither oersi that I livf ir havr lived like i li e him,but i cant find a safe place. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. Sincerely, Kim Avery. It might be a better option to push for him to have his pay deposited into your account for budgeting (so his bills are covered first before you give him money to spend) or else you may need to speak with his employees about the situation because he is not providing for his family. Your a God send. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) We are about to meet up this Saturday night after not seeing each other for 3 weeks.. He even said I love you so muchwhat? After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . It is a relief to find this page. I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! Hi, He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. Hi Pamela and welcome (-: Empathy is not going to help him but him coming face to face with reality will. I have a husband with Borderline Personailty Disorder & he is very narcissist. Narcissists Are Not Accountable | Psychology Today He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. I dont believe it will work for my husband and I as I have tried for 7 years and nothing has changed. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! Thanks Darlyn, It is very enlightening. Hey Welcome Radioactive and perfectly said! In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. And thats why its hard. Has no effect. Save yourselves and consider yourselves lucky for getting out when you did, and get your kids as far away as possible. (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). What he said was I love you but I cant live with you. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. Acter admitting this fi me durung an alcohil binge,he latdr denied. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. I stopped wanting him to respect me, my sacrifices, and started asking myself to do it. One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. Hi Kim and Steve, That money was for her college fund. I dont see any additional archives. Love on yourself. Not to forget he announced that he wont adjust my status and will get me deported if I do not finally come around! Thankfully I know that he didnt reject me because of who I am but discarded me because of who he is! Hey Kim! Looking back we both use each other for opposite reasons. These people arent logical. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. Excessive Demands on Others Now that I have a voice and he suffers consequences.he is can be harder to deal with. I guess it was during his good state of mind that I lost that one on one level with him.I weaken abit and did police him because I was having my own feelings. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). My guess is that he may be hiding credit cards you dont know about and is struggling to meet the repayments. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. im from a broken abusuded unluved drug home.my parents were awful.what 1didnt think of that was shady the other1would.they were the greety who took from the week and needy.az long as thier lst dollar was in thier pocket they could care less who suffered.well i do believe in karma.and just in case i may neva get the chance 2 hear or c.i kicked them 2 curb.and all my syblenz.i am the only1 out of 6kdz reached out and got help 4 the hell i lived and seen.but i unlike them have self admitance.i dnt lie or deni i tell it like i c it.that causes waves every where in my life.but i no who i am.i am a mother of 5 beautiful kids and they hear i luv u everyday.and there r reprocutions 4bad choices.and i make sure i praise them when they mk good choices. Im a survivor. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. 5 Powerful Boundaries To Counter Passive-Aggressive Narcissists My ex of 12 years NPD and BPD has tried everything in his power to destroy me and our two girls. How can I ever trust that this isnt the beginning of another end? It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. I really am too frightened. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. My blood pressure is now normal again and I like myself again. My next step is to purchase The Love Safety Net Workbook. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Personally, I think that by not holding these people accountable, it just happens to create more narcissists. Hi Carol Welcome! Unfortunately, as I tried to work on the things we had identified, she fell right back into the N-pattern of denial and assigning blame (all to me, of course). After a 13 year marriage my narcissistic ex confessed to an affair throughout. ), Do you ever heal from this? True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! Get strong. You wont get it while allowing a NPD to be in it. I didnt say a word. Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. So why not work on this relationship now that I can him for what he really is, instead of waiting another 4 years to find out I am just now seeing the same traits in someone new? He was agressive in subtile ways, ignoring me, humiliating me, always complaining about the things that were not good about me, telling me to put on other clothes if we went to freinds.. and so on. You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. It depends on what they are is the role he will play. Within Canon Law, if these essential qualities are lacking, the marriage can be looked on as invalid from the start, i.e. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. Is it worth making then accountable for that? And SO much pain from people who have walked more than a mile in my shoes. Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. I often feel rejected and alone. Hi Hannah, Yes you are right it will not heal itself. The reality is they are not kings nor queens. Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. But wanted me to stay with him!!! You may also look for help from organisations that help the families of problem gamblers in your area. I fled after just 8 months of marriage. He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. Just dont make your kids suffer cause you love him and dont want to be alone!! Hey Amy! They avoid spending time with you, especially in public. I told him that since he wouldnt go for help, he had to leave. And we are a wealthy family! We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! Meanwhile the lunatics are still carrying on the same as before, just with whoever will tolerate them, those poor people have my sympathy. The emotional and verbal abuse though that I experience sometimes makes me wonder if I would rather he just go ahead and hit me and get it over with (I dont really feel like that Im having a bad day he just finished raging b/c I forgot the listerine)anyway I guess I to order love safety net. I tried and tried to reach her through her anger but the more I tried the more she saw me as someone that was to be looked down upon and treated me even worse. I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. Managing Child Custody with a Narcissistic Parent - Doyle Law Group, P.A. And he has told others (not me of course) that he thinks I was abusive to him. Its almost two years later, we are separate under the same roof until I can move out. For instance, it's important to hold the narcissist accountable when he acts condescending, selfish, controlling, or downright mean. This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of. This is possibly the most important thing you can do as you learn how to be the asshole when co-parenting with a borderline or narcissist. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. So I am glad its over. Also I realise his controlling behaviour of me , is a lack of control of himself . And I wonder if you may be co-dependent if it is not merely the grieving process of a break up. The key element here is that I always know when he has started to break that trust, because out of the blue with no reason at all, my NPD starts treating me very poorly, acts evasive etc. He wont make her happy she will be sad feel unloved and insecure with such a guy. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. How do I step into a partnership knowing that I realistically do not have a partner? God is reasonable and fair, and doesnt expect anyone to live a life of torment within a union that lacks peace and love, and causes harm. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. Stay calm and polite no matter how they react. Now I control my own bank account and will not be involved with him with regard to money in any way, shape, or form for as long as we both shall live. There is no physical abuse, no porn even, no substance abuse, no affairs, no secret spending. His favorite statement is, No one listens to me. 15) You continuously disrespect and ignore my children when they ask you a direct question and get upset if they dont want to talk to you. Ive been aware of his N personality for 10 years & actively working on me instead of trying to change him, for the past 3. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! 30 years later and the situation is only different in that I never set boundaries with her. 1 Be unpredictable. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. Ridiculous. This morning I get this txt from him He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. Most of our issues now revolve around money. This is why we highlight the need for action. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. Hi. I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. You need to write a clear account of his behaviour that is concerning you from the perspective of him as a patient. He said he is done trying? I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. I see our old marriage counselor for trauma therapy and he said he feels my husband has anti-social personality disorder with narciccistic traits. so many nights i wake up wondering what happened to my sweet man.. We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. Councellors appear unable to help Do they really tell the truth the then. As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. He is a textbook case. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. I thought at first that he was as frightened as I was, but now I feel he is angry I lived. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. They devalue you and criticize everything you do. I cannot imagine doing such things to our children. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him.